It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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