He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
