it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
