I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
false alarm, still single
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
