Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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