Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
