and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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