He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
