you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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