Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
