see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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