I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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