Screwed.edu
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
