Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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