and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just had sex bonerless
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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