It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
