I will die if light touches me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
