I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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