I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
