I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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