Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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