I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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