she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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