Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
