I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You may now shotgun with the bride
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize