I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
