my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
