I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
