I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
