I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He did a backflip because drugs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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