I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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