i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
