i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
