My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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