So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
