That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You ruined the universe
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
