Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
