Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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