I am in a vortex of obligation.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
