you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
