This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
