I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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