Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
