i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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