Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
