The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
