just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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