im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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