Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
