Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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