i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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