I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
