Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
