I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
