Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
