my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
