Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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