I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
