walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
