ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
