I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize