My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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